Sime~Gen Roleplaying on IRC: Snake River Dam Scenario
Episode #159: As One Cog to Another (4/26/01)
Arat sits alone in his office. Well, not exactly alone. Everybody is on break except for Thureal.
Arat is reading some reports written by a new contact team intended to stay on top of food prices and report their findings to him.
Arat is rediscovering how woeful the report-writing skills of the person-recently-hired-off-the-street is.
Arat massages his forehead with his long, elegant tentacles as he turns the paper over and wades through more bad grammar, editorialization and conjecture.
Sedel makes his way to the Sime Shack. He mulls over the last conversation he had with Arat. Sedel wonders how much of that was born of the circumstances of their meeting and how much was actually Arat.
Sedel reaches the door to the Controller's office. He signals.
Gashnom nods to his fellow Gen. He has a healthy respect for Sedel's Dar training.
Arat: Enter!
Sedel enters the office alone this time. It hasn't changed, but has he?
Sedel: Good day, Controller Arat.
Arat puts the report down as his appointment has arrived.
Arat: Sosu Sedel.
Sedel: ~~small surprise at being referred to by his working title~~
Arat has no idea why Sedel is surprised, though he zlins the emotion.
Arat indicates that Sedel may sit if he chooses to.
Sedel takes the indicated seat.
Sedel: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
Arat nods.
Arat will probably benefit from a break from reading the food prices reports.
Sedel: Thanks for getting me back to camp the other day. And the ankle's good as new by the way.
Sedel: ~~hesitant~~
Arat studies Sedel with his usual intensity.
Arat, being a Farris, does not notice the extraordinarily long pause.
Arat could probably calculate it to the nth decimal point lengthwise if anyone asked, but in terms of conversational flow he just plain does not notice.
Sedel has to cover a smile. He guesses that bugs in glass jars would get the same look from people as Arat is giving him.
Arat does wonder about the smile though.
Sedel: Controller, is there any way that you would consider letting me stay here? [comes right to the point]
Arat frowns.
Arat: Are you prepared to state your case?
Sedel: Yes.
Arat: Very well. Please do so.
Arat leans back in his chair to listen, his expression serious.
Sedel: I am not happy with Minister Plum's condition. I am sorry that he was harmed by my actions. I can guarantee that I would never do anything as... ill advised as that again. ~~sincere conviction~~
Sedel has been living with the consequences of his actions and Arat's punishment. Not the least of which is a very unhappy Sylma.
Sedel would not have asked to stay if it were not for the fact that he had seen something in Arat in that gorge that made him stop and rethink his opinion of the channel.
Arat: Go on.
Arat is not entirely displeased by what Sedel has said, and felt, so far.
Sedel's Dar training master had told him more than once that he was too overprotective of his sister. Arat had unknowingly pushed all the right buttons the last time Sedel was in this office.
Sedel took a deep breath may as well own up to it and clear the air.
Sedel: I'm afraid I'm a bit overprotective when it comes to my family. My sister in particular. The last time I was here I saw you as a threat to her.
Sedel: I would like to start over if that is possible.
Sedel looks at Arat. The channel did not lie to him when he said he saw Sedel as a person and not livestock. But does the Controller believe that as well?
Sedel: ~~ hope and the unspoken question of his status in the Controller's eyes~~
Sedel has dropped any pretense of field control -- wouldn't do much good with a Farris anyway. ~~total honesty~~
Sedel has spent years trying to deal with his ambivalence toward the Tecton. He has no delusions that life without it would be better but he sometimes finds he resents being just another cog in the machine. Of course, finding out Arat holds the exact same status of cog did go a long way to making him understand why he did what he did.
Sedel doubts he would have come hat in hand to anyone else.
Arat zlins Sedel thoughtfully.
Arat: What would you consider starting over?
Arat seems genuinely interested in Sedel's answer.
Sedel: Doing what I can to earn your trust. I'm not sure what that would be. To be honest Controller Arat, I've never had to consider any such thing before. I will, of course, abide by your decision.
Sedel: I would like to go back to work as a Donor but that isn't the only thing I can do. [smiles at the guards]
Arat had been looking for something a bit more in depth than "I want to work as a Donor".
Arat: I see.
Arat: It appears that you are genuinely repentant for what happened. However, I still have serious reservations about your ability to function effectively as a Donor. Emotional self-control should be second nature at this level in your training. I am concerned that your heart is not in your work.
Sedel thinks leave it to a Farris to be a mind reader.
Arat hardly had to read minds. He can zlin, and Sylma has not exactly allowed the matter to rest.
Arat: If you are permitted to re-enter the regular rotation, it will be necessary to demonstrate that you are working on, and progressing with, the issues that are fundamental to your problems.
Arat: I would be interested to hear what you feel would be most effective.
Sedel thinks deeply for a moment. If he had a patient with the kind of issues he knows he has, what would he do to help him work through it?
Sedel wonders if he can work through it. Maybe not in this lifetime. ~~ worry~~
Sedel: To be honest, Controller, I have never had a problem with nager control while working. I think that you would certainly have called me on the carpet way before now if that had not been the case.
Arat's eyes narrow. He had not, of course, said nageric control. He'd said emotional self-control.
Sedel: My issues, and I was very frank with you about those, have been more surface of late.
Sedel: I can't defend what I feel but I can certainly keep it under tighter wraps.
Arat: Perhaps you misunderstood. I was not referring to your field work. I was referring to your emotional state and the behaviors it leads you to.
Arat: As well as the coloration it lends to your relationship with those around you.
Sedel nods. He won't delude himself about his feelings, and he certainly can't delude Arat.
Arat: As Controller I must be able to expect you to behave professionally and in accordance with all regulations and policies of the Tecton, as well as obeying the spirit of your orders.
Arat: But it is also necessary for you to believe in your work -- for your own sake, and for the sake of your channels.
Arat: One without the other is not good enough.
Sedel: It's only when I'm working that I do believe, Controller Arat. But I did allow my personal struggles to color my judgment. I don't usually make the exact same mistake twice.
Sedel wonders if Arat realizes how much their conversation has moderated his world view.
Arat considers Sedel's words.
Sedel can at least say that he isn't seething all the time any more. Until the confrontation with Arat he hadn't even realized what he was so angry about.
Sedel: I can say that you crystallized several things for me Controller Arat. You made me confront myself and my problem. But I will still require help to get past them. This physician can not heal himself. [places his hand on his chest]
Sedel: ~~sincere~~
Arat: You feel that your problem primarily manifests itself during your personal time, and that it only recently began to affect your work?
Sedel takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
Arat is attempting to make certain he understands Sedel correctly.
Sedel: I will say that the only time I allowed myself to be aware of it was during my personal time. I honestly don't believe that I ever felt discontent when I was working.
Sedel: ~~trying to examine his motivations and words~~
Sedel has been doing a bit of soul searching. His attitudes blindsided him.
Arat: Do you have any idea as to why that may be?
Sedel thinks hard for a time.
Arat is not extensively trained in dealing with problems of a non work related nature, and has usually preferred to forward employees with such problems to lay counselors. Unfortunately, there is not a good stock of such people at the Dam site.
Sedel: When I'm working it's more like the Householding that I grew up in. There people aren't just cogs, they are people with gifts and worth and are truely needed and loved. The Tecton is a machine that has a job to do and if it grinds up a few cogs in the process it doesn't care.
Sedel: I suppose I want to be cared for and about. I wish every member of the Tecton could be. ~~sudden revelation~~
Sedel had never thought of himself as the maudlin sentimental type, but when you grow up feeling loved and appreciated it is an awful thing to find yourself suddenly unloved and unappreciated as an adult.
Arat wonders if it is possible that Sedel has caught himself thinking of others as cogs in a machine.
Arat thinks that to one who is truly compassionate, as he feels anyone who could be a successful Donor must be, that would be far more disturbing than any treatment of self by others.
Arat of course thinks of all these things in a purely theoretical sense.
Arat will probably always think of others as patients, employees and puzzle pieces rather than objects of true empathy.
Arat: You feel that you require more positive and long term human contact. [attempts to interpret]
Arat has been trying to decide whether Sedel and Sylma should be assigned as often as they have been. There are various schools of thought on that sort of thing, when it comes to pairs of non-matchmate Householders.
Arat does wonder if constantly being around Sylma encourages the us/them isolation Sedel seems to be experiencing.
Sedel: Not exactly Controller Arat. I think I just have to resign myself to being a cog while trying to keep others from feeling like they don't matter.
Sedel: After all if all us poor cogs look out for one another then the machine won't grind us up.
Arat: It is true that what you describe is fundamental to a Donor's duties in the Tecton.
Sedel: ~~dawning of a renewed sense of purpose~~
Arat: It is not simply a function of field mechanics. Your ability and duty to provide emotional support to your channel should not end with transfer -- or at the boundaries of family.
Arat: Perhaps discussion of your feelings and your situation with other Donors would be of some help.
Sedel: Yes, I think it might!
Sedel moderates his enthusiasm with a bit of effort. He has let himself get sloppy since he hasn't been working.
Sedel smiles. Nothing a bit of Dar discipline can't cure.
Go on to Episode #160: Empire Builder
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