Sime~Gen Roleplaying on IRC Snake River Dam Scenario
Episode #9: Balk (6/24/00)
Beni watches Arat toss in his bed in the train's channel car, and tries to make his field more ~~ soothing ~~
Beni: Come on, Arat, relax, or you'll never get to sleep.
Arat wonders how he is supposed to relax with his whole life flashing before his eyes every 5 minutes.
Arat: [his future life, not his past]
Beni: ~~ pleading ~~
Beni doesn't ordinarily push his luck, after getting Arat into the bed at all, but he's getting desperate.
Arat sighs and tries to be still. His mind keeps racing, though.
Arat's tentacles fidget in response to his thoughts.
Beni puts a hand over the tentacles to still them.
Arat has not had any concrete reports of the Dam site since boarding the train, and so his imagination has been able to run more or less wild.
Arat is not ordinarily credited with having much imagination, but the truth is he can be quite inventive, especially when envisioning disasters.
Beni: Arat, if you don't sleep, you won't be in any condition to take charge when we reach our destination.
Beni: Have you been having nightmares?
Arat: Yes. [shortly, not wanting to admit it]
Arat is not normally prone to nightmares, but this Dam project has definitely brought them out.
Arat is still silently relieved that he managed to get onto the train without problems, after the series of nightmares he'd had in which he was unable to make himself board and a number of people had to restrain him and carry him on.
Beni is ~~ sympathetic ~~, since he's been having a few of his own, largely regarding Snake running amok, and Arat falling to pieces, and he himself being called back to Capitol to explain how it all happened.
Beni: Perhaps it might help to talk about them?
Arat hesitates.
Arat: Perhaps.
Arat thinks it might possibly be helpful, and would definitely be embarrassing.
Arat is not sure he feels that comfortable with Beni.
Arat: They are mostly about our new assignment.
Arat: Some about what will be happening back in Capitol.
Beni settles himself in a "good listener" attitude, listening attentively.
Beni: Surely Seruffin won't let Sectuib Riyyh run completely amok?
Arat: I was... to be honest, I was more concerned about the effect of the work upon Sectuib Riyyh.
Beni: ~~ confused ~~
Beni hadn't thought that Riyyh would work hard enough to be affected.
Beni: I don't understand.
Arat: It was... not an easy position to be in.
Arat: Under Neptude.
Arat can't say that to just anybody, but Beni is technically a peer.
Beni: Frankly, I don't know how you stood it for so long.
Beni: Especially after Lexus came.
Arat thinks that Lexus was but a small blip on the radar screen of his life.
Arat: [Arat doesn't know what that literally means, it's a phrase from literature]
Beni isn't as physically or nagerically intimidating as Arat, and so perhaps saw more of Lexus's nasty side.
Arat: I had little choice. [points out]
Beni: I know.
Arat wonders what Beni would think if he knew that Arat had actually exerted some personal choice in a number of radical ways in the last months. Most people do not think of Arat in terms of personal choices - his or theirs.
Beni: But you were talking about Sectuib Riyyh, and how the work would affect him?
Beni: Surely he'll leave actually running the District to the staff you left behind?
Arat: Well. They were only nightmares.
Arat has been telling himself that for weeks, and not just about the ones with Riyyh in them.
Beni: If they're keeping you awake, they're not "only" nightmares.
Beni: Have you been dreaming that Riyyh actually started actively managing the 53rd District?
Arat: Nothing that specific.
Beni nods.
Arat: Just that after doing it for several months, he had to retire.
Arat: I felt responsible.
Arat thinks it is ridiculous; Riyyh has been in semi-retirement, as channelling goes, for over a decade.
Beni: Arat, Riyyh can take care of himself.
Arat: I am sure.
Beni: Are the other nightmares about our new assignment?
Arat: Yes. [impatiently] that is what I said.
Arat thinks, many of them about fleeing before he ever makes it to the new assignment.
Beni thinks the shortness is not a good sign, and wishes Jeniard were around to offer more acceptable counseling.
Arat has had the can't-force-himself-to-get-off-the train dream, the slipping-away-at-one-of-the-stations-and-going-to-live-as-a-hermit-for-the-rest-of-his-life dream, and even the writing-pleading-letters-back-to-Capitol-begging-to-be-rescued dream.
Arat had actually started to write such a letter, in real life, but had fortunately come to his senses before it was finished. It now resides in the trash can, and he is still waiting for an opportunity to burn it without anyone noticing.
Arat: I feel a great... apprehension as to the state of affairs we will find when we arrive there.
Beni winces, as he shares these apprehensions.
Beni: Surely the advance team will have had enough time to get things organized?
Arat gives Beni a "get real" look.
Beni: And you will have bodyguards, if there is any unpleasantness.
Arat: Well, there is that.
Arat had been more concerned about the sanitation and social conditions.
Arat has now been reminded, though, and can feel free to start worrying quite a bit about his own physical safety as well.
Arat checks to make sure said bodyguards are still where they belong; one outside the door connecting his car to the rest of the train, and the others seated nearby.
Beni notes the shift in worry-object, and finally puts two and two together.
Beni: Are these nightmares a variation of the ones you were having before? When you couldn't make yourself get on the train?
Arat winces.
Beni's nager doesn't contain even a Farris-zlinnable hint of criticism of such unlikely nightmares.
Arat: Yes. [reluctantly admits]
Arat has a perfect, crystal-clear dream-memory of standing poised on the train's threshold, one hand on each grab bar, augmenting to remain in place while several people try to pry and/or coax him to step one more step down so the train can leave.
Beni: Arat, you're not giving yourself enough credit.
Arat looks at Beni.
Beni: You've never lacked the courage to do what you had to do.
Arat thinks that it helps not to have too much time to think about it, though.
Beni: You don't run away from situations just because they're unpleasant.
Arat is glad that is how he is perceived.
Arat does not think it is entirely true, but he is glad Beni thinks it.
Beni is perhaps less aware than Jeniard of exactly how Arat ended up assigned to the Dam project.
Beni: You got on the train, didn't you? And without any of the problems you were dreaming about, either.
Beni is willing to overlook a certain degree of foot-dragging, fussing over conditions in the car, and so on.
Arat pulls himself up into a sitting position.
Arat is fortunate in having his own car; he'd be too tall to sit up in the bunk of an ordinary sleeper.
Arat looks rumpled, tired, and generally like he's been away from home for a long time.
Arat: It is not just that this assignment will be unpleasant. There is danger as well.
Arat: That is what I... am apprehensive about.
Beni: The danger from the construction? Or the people themselves?
Arat: From everything.
Arat doesn't suppose a non-Farris who has had a normal range of life experiences could understand.
Arat: It is not a path a cautious person would take.
Arat thinks, unless forced to, or unless inflicted with temporary insanity while arranging for it.
Beni: No, it isn't. But it's a task that must be done. And you're the only channel I know who could even make a start at doing it properly.
Arat looks at Beni oddly.
Arat has been told by several others that he is the most preposterously unlikely candidate for the job that they could imagine.
Arat wonders if Beni is sucking up.
Arat zlins Beni more carefully.
Beni is perhaps still a bit affected by the Farris-worship common in Donors who have only managed to become Farris rated rather recently.
Beni has also not really spent much time with the non-Audnes Farrises, and so is lacking in grounds for comparison.
Arat: Your vote of confidence is... [misguided, but] ...appreciated.
Beni: Arat, do you really think a Neptude would be able to get anything done on a construction site like this? Or would even really try?
Arat supposes Neptude would stand a chance of surviving it, which would certainly be to his advantage.
Arat: Perhaps not.
Beni: I don't know how your name managed to come up for the position, but for once, I think they actually selected the best person for the position.
Arat nods.
Arat is certain that he is more than capable of it administratively. It is getting through day to day life that is going to be next to impossible.
Arat zlins Beni's confidence, and tries to tell himself that he is blowing it way out of proportion.
Arat is sure that conditions can't be as bad as he has imagined them. They may not even be as bad as in the last reports.
Beni: They may not have intended for you to succeed, but that's never stopped you before, has it?
Beni: Shen, you've been through disjunction. What could be worse than that?
Arat can actually think of a lot worse. He has perfect confidence in his self control, and always had. It's his environment and the behavior of others that worries him.
Arat nods anyway.
Beni: And Arat, I don't know any more than you do what this is going to be like, but I do know one thing You won't be running away from it.
Beni: And not just because there's no place for a Tecton channel to run.
Beni ignores Snake's more or less successful career as a rogue for the moment; the very idea of a rogue Arat is laughable.
Arat: They are just nightmares. [repeats]
Arat had known a momentarily paralysis upon first stepping onto the train's steps, but had managed to rush in before anyone noticed.
Arat notices he his clutching his knees, and makes himself stop.
Arat doesn't want to reveal too much to Beni. He's always had trouble opening up to Donors.
Beni: Nightmares aren't necessarily about real events, but they do reflect real fears.
Beni: Arat, you may not be able to trust anything else about this assignment, but you can trust yourself.
Beni: You won't run away, or refuse to go.
Arat zlins Beni again, now wondering if Beni's insistence is caused by a core worry of his own on that account.
Arat has always found it easier to examine the feelings of others than his own.
Beni's main worry regarding the situation is that Arat won't cut and run, even if the situation becomes impossible.
Arat: I know.
Beni therefore finds it a bit ironic to be coping with Arat's fears of a premature unauthorized departure.
Arat lies back down facing away from Beni, prepared to make another attempt to rest.
Beni: Trust yourself, Arat. You're worthy of it.
Beni takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly, letting himself feel his own tiredness, and the peaceful rocking of the train car.