Sime~Gen Roleplaying: Two Roads Diverged Scenario
Episode #70: The Ghost of the Father (8/29/98)
Wise Snake sees the sun creeping toward the horizon and zlins ahead, trying to calculate where would be a good spot to stop for the night.
Tanzarra looks forward to stopping to rest.
Wise Snake zlins the various people in her "flock" and tries to gauge how much farther they can go.
Wise Snake stops on Tanzarra, frowning.
Wise Snake tells Nick she'll be back and drops back to walk next to Tanzarra.
Wise Snake: You doing OK?
Wise Snake has been concerned about the channel since the incident that led to their spending 3 days in at one rest stop.
Tanzarra: I don't know. I guess so.
Tanzarra: ~~ deep in thought ~~
Wise Snake: Ummmh.
Wise Snake: All right, then.
Wise Snake: Let me know if there's anything I can do.
Tanzarra: I've just been thinking about what you said and what I can do.
Wise Snake: Oh?
Wise Snake studies Tanzarra.
Tanzarra: What I have to do.
Tanzarra sighs.
Wise Snake nods.
Tanzarra: I have been watching and talking with Bumanuel lately.
Wise Snake: You have?
Wise Snake wonders why anyone would bother.
Tanzarra: He is always worried about things that happened and I keep wanting to tell him that he can't change the past and he should let it go.
Tanzarra: And yet that is exactly what I haven't been able to do myself.
Tanzarra: ~~ sadness ~~
Wise Snake: Let go of the past?
Tanzarra: Yes, in a way.
Tanzarra: I guess it's more that you can't change what has happened and dwelling over it won't bring it back.
Wise Snake: Tanzarra, you do understand that in order to go on, it is not necessary to forsake your memories of Soli or your loyalty to her?
Tanzarra: I know that. I could never forget her.
Wise Snake: But the key word there is go on.
Wise Snake: Would it help you to believe that Soli can see you, and would approve of your taking another Donor?
Tanzarra: Yes. I find that when I'm asleep I dream about her and the things we did, and I don't want to wake up.
Wise Snake: Good dreams are like that.
Wise Snake has never had any, but this is what she's been told.
Wise Snake: But do you know where dreams come from?
Tanzarra: Eliza is trying hard and I have not tried as hard to accept her help.
Wise Snake: Ah.
Wise Snake: You think you could be trying harder?
Tanzarra: I guess I have been quite selfish lately.
Wise Snake can't argue with that.
Tanzarra: The dreams, I don't know, my wish that things were as they were, I figure.
Tanzarra: As for trying harder, yes, I think I could.
Tanzarra: If Soli and I weren't true matchmates then that gives me more hope to break the dependancy.
Wise Snake: Yes, it does.
Tanzarra: But at the same time I feel as though I have lost something with not being the matchmates we thought we were.
Tanzarra: And maybe it's that, that I'm trying to hang onto.
Wise Snake: Surely you realize that your and Soli's desire to be matchmates was the symptom of a deeper and previous problem?
Tanzarra: You mean being able to take transfer without triggering the pain I sense?
Tanzarra remembers what Bum Bum said about Snake and pain.
Wise Snake: You said that nobody else, including the people who were supposedly feeling it, could detect the pain you perceived.
Wise Snake: You told me that the first day we met.
Wise Snake: And I can only think of two reasons why somebody would perceive pain that wasn't there:
Wise Snake: Either a physical problem with your nervous system, or a deep psychological trauma, perhaps from a previous experience.
Tanzarra: Yes. They say they do not feel it, yet I do.
Tanzarra lowers her head as she recalls her first, and only, kill.
Tanzarra: Oh, they did tests. Many of them.
Tanzarra: It is not a physical problem at all.
Wise Snake meets Tanzarra's eyes.
Wise Snake: You wanted Soli to be your matchmate because you didn't want it to be possible for you to take from regular Gens.
Wise Snake: I don't mean you literally thought that; I mean the same part of you that perceives that phantom pain.
Wise Snake: And do you know why you didn't want it to be possible for you to take from regular Gens?
Tanzarra: Maybe, but she wanted it too. Soli was more convinced at first that we were matchmates.
Tanzarra: I'm not sure what the reasons were.
Wise Snake: Tanzarra, it's because you didn't want your kill to have been your fault.
Tanzarra: ~~ shame, guilt ~~
Tanzarra: I have always blamed myself.
Wise Snake: On the surface, yes.
Wise Snake: But in your soul?
Wise Snake: I don't think anybody wants to identify their inner-self as a killer.
Tanzarra: I told him to go away, but he wouldn't.
Wise Snake: Him?
Wise Snake watches Tanzarra keenly.
Tanzarra: My... father.
Tanzarra tries to keep control.
Tanzarra: ~~ self hatered ~~
Wise Snake extends her field in ~~ objective, professional support ~~
Tanzarra: Everyone thought I was already Gen.
Tanzarra: I was well past the age of changeover, well so we thought.
Tanzarra: We were far away from any channels, so I wasn't tested.
Wise Snake studies Tanzarra as the other channel speaks.
Tanzarra: Then one day I got real sick and my mother went to get the doctor while dad sat with me.
Tanzarra: I don't know when it was, but there came a time I realized what was happening.
Tanzarra: I told dad to leave me alone and he wouldn't believe that I wasn't just sick.
Tanzarra is trying to control her breathing.
Wise Snake continues to support Tanzarra.
Tanzarra: I don't remember exactly what happened for a while, but I ended up not seeing him, just zlinning this energy.
Tanzarra: I didn't know what was happening at the time though.
Tanzarra: Then my arms felt like they were going to be torn apart and then I was drinking in this energy.
Tanzarra: It was all right at first, then there was pain and I could feel it was my father.
Tanzarra: I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. When I did he just slumped in my arms.
Tanzarra: I sat with him for ages on the bed, stroking his head and trying to wake him up before my mother and the doctor arrived.
Tanzarra fights the tears she can feel welling up.
Wise Snake: ~support~
Tanzarra: Mum took one look at me and screamed, the doctor told her to get the gun and that's when I looked down to see my arms.
Tanzarra: I killed him and didn't even realize it.
Tanzarra: I thought he was sick.
Tanzarra: ~~ depressed, shame ~~
Wise Snake: You couldn't help it. You were in First Need and he was untrained.
Tanzarra: I.... He... I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't know I was.
Wise Snake: You couldn't know that. You had not yet learned control and you did not understand your senses well enough to know what you were zlinning. You were acting on instinct.
Tanzarra: I stayed with him until the doctor started to come up the stairs with the gun.
Tanzarra: I was going to stay so he could shoot me, but I ran. I jumped out the window and ran.
Tanzarra: ~~ guilt, loss ~
Tanzarra: I loved him and I killed him.
Wise Snake: A changeover victim killed the first Gen she found because nobody had provided a channel.
Tanzarra: And every time I have taken transfer from a Gen I feel his pain and expect to open my eyes and see him, dead.
Tanzarra: I know the logic of it, I just haven't admitted that it applies to me as well.
Wise Snake ponders Tanzarra's words for a moment.
Tanzarra: It's like I kill him over and over every time I have transfer, except with Soli.
Wise Snake: Tanzarra... it is true that you must accept that you were no different from any other OT changeover victim. But you also must accept that Soli wasn't a magic Gen.
Wise Snake: You wanted her to be a magic Gen but she wasn't.
Tanzarra closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
Tanzarra: I know, I know that now.
Tanzarra: ~~ sad ~~
Wise Snake: And... look, I didn't know Soli, but there were reasons she wanted to be the magic Gen for you too.
Wise Snake: Maybe if you could figure out what those were, it would help you put her to rest.
Tanzarra looks at Snake.
Tanzarra: There was?
Wise Snake: You said she was the one who was firm on the idea you were matchmates.
Wise Snake: Even though no Tecton channel ever said it.
Tanzarra: Yes.
Wise Snake: There had to be some reason why she wanted to believe that so badly.
Wise Snake: Probably in that reason is the key to who she was.
Tanzarra: Yes, she was sure of it and when we tried to break the dependency she would panic and fear they were going to seperate us for good.
Wise Snake frowns.
Wise Snake thinks this Soli was a wretchedly bad influence on Tanzarra, but isn't about to say so.
Tanzarra: And I guess I didn't fight it because she was the only Gen I had ever been able to have without the pain of my father.
Wise Snake: But that difference, that lack-of-pain, was artificial. It was created in your own head in the same way that the pain itself is replicated there.
Wise Snake: That means it could be made again.
Tanzarra realizes she still thinks of that as being in the Gen and not in her head.
Wise Snake: What Soli did for you was made you believe it could be done.
Tanzarra: Do you think I could have that again?
Wise Snake: Now it's just a matter of doing what she taught you, except on your own.
Wise Snake: I think it's possible.
Tanzarra: If I have done it once....
Wise Snake thinks Tanzarra has no idea what Snake would give for the ability to "perceive" pain that did not exist in a transfer.
Tanzarra: ~~ slightly hopeful~~
Wise Snake smiles painfully.
Wise Snake: Yes, you know you have it in you.
Wise Snake: It is simply a matter of unlearning what has come before.
Wise Snake: And you can have absolute faith in Eliza.
Wise Snake: So far as I know, she has never had a difficult transfer, selyn-flow wise. You and she are well matched physically.
Wise Snake: Although she is inexperienced in the more subtle aspects of support and assistance, she has had many transfers.
Tanzarra: Yes, we do get on quite well.
Tanzarra: I have been slowly adjusting to her field not being....
Tanzarra: Soli.
Tanzarra is feeling a little more optimistic, and hopes she can keep from falling into her old pattern of despair.
Tanzarra: Thank you for your support, and for listening to me.
Wise Snake nods.
Wise Snake: I am sorry this is so difficult, but I believe you are on the right path.
Tanzarra: Yes, I guess I just have to face the reality of things a little better than I have done.