Sime~Gen Roleplaying: Two Roads Diverged Scenario
Episode #60: Beauty and the Beast (8/12/98)
Linn looks sideways at Bum Bum.
Linn: Bum Bum?
Bum Bum: Yes, Linn?
Bum Bum can't quite figure out what emotion Linn is zlinning of.
Linn: I had a... talk... with Snake last night.
Bum Bum immediately becomes wary.
Linn is working very hard at keeping her nager neutral, so that Bum Bum will reflect his own emotions, not hers.
Bum Bum knows from experience the "talk with Snake" opening rarely leads to fun news.
Bum Bum: ... Oh?
Bum Bum cringes in anticipation of something truly dreadful.
Linn: She wants me to become your Companion, in a month or two.
Bum Bum's mouth falls open.
Bum Bum: ~~surprise~~
Bum Bum zlins his own surprise bouncing off Linn's nager and is even more surprised.
Linn tries to figure out if Bum Bum is pleased or apalled by the notion.
Bum Bum: ~~surprise surprise surprise... echo echo echo~~~
Bum Bum blinks several times.
Bum Bum: She does??
Bum Bum seems surprised.
Linn smiles wryly as she damps the fields.
Linn: Yes. I was a bit surprised by it as well.
Bum Bum: You were?
Bum Bum tries to zlin whether it was a good surprise or a bad one.
Bum Bum: That's... well, that's certainly a lot better news than I was afraid you might have.
Linn: ~~ mostly neutral, controlled nager, with undertones of uncertainty ~~
Linn tries to figure out what that means.
Bum Bum isn't certain whether Linn is uncertain about being his Companion, uncertain of excactly what Snake said, or uncertain about his own reaction.
Linn: If you'd rather not, I'm sure Snake would be happy to let you work with Eliza.
Linn: She's got a lot more experience than I do.
Linn: ~~ very slight relief and disappointment under the neutrality ~~
Bum Bum looks a little bit uneasy.
Bum Bum tries to fathom the relief/disappointment bit and decide whether it applies to Snake's words, or some perceived lack of interest on his part, or nothing in particular.
Bum Bum: Who said I'd rather not!
Bum Bum takes Linn's upper arms firmly, and looks into her eyes.
Bum Bum: This is the best thing I've heard in a really long time, Linn.
Bum Bum: ~~sincere/serious~~
Linn blinks at this vehemance.
Linn smiles crookedly.
Bum Bum stares into her eyes for a moment longer, then relaxes a little, offering a sort of smile in return.
Bum Bum: I thought you were going to tell me she planned on turning me into the next SC we run across, or something.
Linn: No. I don't think she would. At least, not unless....
Linn can't quite bring herself to say it.
Bum Bum looks alarmed.
Bum Bum: Unless what?
Linn: ~~ faint unease ~~
Bum Bum starts to tremble as Linn's unease feeds back to him.
Bum Bum: What did she say! Tell me.
Linn: Unless, well....
Linn: Unless things don't work out between us.
Bum Bum looks horrified.
Bum Bum: Well then... well then we have to make them work out. [a little desperately]
Linn thinks this sounds a bit better than, "unless you kill me by mistake, the way you've killed quite a few other people."
Bum Bum: I mean... I can do things differently, if there's anything I'm doing that you find annoying.
Bum Bum: Or, you know, if you want anything special done,
Bum Bum: And I would understand perfectly if you don't like me as a man... I can deal with that, honestly.
Bum Bum: And for transfer, if there is anything you would like me to do for you... any technique you want me to learn....
Linn shakes her head.
Bum Bum clings to Linn in pathetic desperation.
Linn: It's not that. It's just that I've never given transfer before, and I'm not completely sure that I can do it.
Bum Bum suddenly looks very relieved.
Bum Bum: Oh. That.
Linn tries hard to keep her self-doubt from reaching Bum Bum.
Linn will no doubt get better at that sort of thing with practice....
Bum Bum realizes he's clutching Linn's biceps and lets go, stroking the arms softly instead.
Linn: Yes. That.
Bum Bum: Linn, I've been with people who it's their first time a lot.
Bum Bum: And Snake knows what she's doing... she'd never give me somebody who she didn't think could do it.
Bum Bum thinks, Snake would just go ahead and slit his throat, then use the Gen for somebody else.
Linn: I hope Snake knows what she's doing. She is wrong, occasionally, you know.
Bum Bum: About transfer related things?
Linn considers.
Linn: I've seen her make some mistakes. Mistakes that got people hurt.
Linn: Mind you, I can't know if the alternatives would have been worse.
Bum Bum: Like what?
Linn shudders.
Bum Bum still knows very little of Linn's association with Snake and Nick prior to the fateful evacuation of Bender Cove, and assumes she is talking about something that has happened since then.
Linn: I saw her burn her Donor, the day Nick qualified.
Linn: And I saw Nick after their first transfer together.
Bum Bum's caressing fingers and tentacles pause, then slowly start again.
Bum Bum: I don't know that those were accidents, Linn.
Linn: She's pushed me into doing things that I never thought I could do.
Linn: I just hope that this time, she's right, and I'm wrong.
Linn: What?
Bum Bum: I don't know that those were accidents... the Donors getting burned. [a little more clearly this time]
Linn: What do you mean by that? What sort of channel would deliberately let a Donor get half-killed?
Bum Bum glances about nervously, even though he knows Snake is nowhere near.
Bum Bum: I thought you knew. You didn't know about Snake's... problem?
Linn then remembers that the channel she's contemplating serving has more than half killed his Donors in the past.
Linn: I know she had a terrible time finding a suitable Donor to train. She had to borrow from the Tecton for months.
Bum Bum wonders if Linn didn't actually know about the problem, then.
Bum Bum knows better than to tell Linn himself, though - if she ran to Snake saying Bum Bum said it, Snake would have his tongue for a inkwell.
Bum Bum: Maybe you should ask Snake about it then.
Bum Bum: There's more... insight... to be had on those burnings than you've had yet.
Bum Bum: Or I miss my guess. [adds hastily]
Linn: Perhaps I should talk to her about them.
Bum Bum nods.
Bum Bum: But, Linn... I promise you, that I will care for you as deeply as any channel can care for a Gen.
Bum Bum slides his tentacles down past her elbows, teasing the skin of her forearms.
Bum Bum: I know she won't give me another chance.
Linn wonders if he told his other Donor-candidates the same thing.
Linn: I don't mind admitting that it makes me a bit nervous, you being junct.
Linn tries to ignore the teasing, telling herself that Bum Bum isn't anywhere close to need yet.
Bum Bum: It makes me nervous as well. But still a person has to go on, a person has to live.
Bum Bum feels her lack of response and meets her eyes, trying to convey his hope, frustration and honest desire in a manner that a Gen might take note of.
Bum Bum: You're my last chance. If something happens, Snake will surely murder me.
Bum Bum: If she doesn't think you're ready, she won't even let us try it.
Linn: She won't, this month.
Bum Bum looks disappointed.
Bum Bum: Well, that's... that's cautious of her.
Bum Bum is also a little nervous that Snake might change her mind before the appointed month arrives.
Bum Bum considers approaching Snake trying to get a firm promise for the following month.
Bum Bum on reconsideration decides that would be a bad idea.
Linn: I told her that I wasn't sure I could do it, so she offered me a compromise.
Bum Bum: A.. compromise?
Linn wonders yet again why Snake's "compromises" always end up with Snake getting what she wants in the end.
Bum Bum's eyebrows knot together in worry.
Bum Bum's fingers squeeze Linn's in gentle concern.
Linn: She'll serve you this month, and then she'll duplicate your draw as she takes my field down.
Linn: That way, if she's wrong about me being ready, there's less chance of a fatal "accident".
Bum Bum: Oh.
Linn is somewhat reassured by this show of concern.
Bum Bum: I am pretty sure Snake has never had a fatal accident while simply taking somebody's field down.
Bum Bum zlins that Linn is somewhat reassured, and adds a smile too.
Bum Bum: You see? She's taking it carefully. I am sure everything will work out just fine.
Linn: Bum Bum?
Bum Bum looks at her in question.
Linn: What were they like, your... other Companions?
Bum Bum: Ahh....
Linn: ~~ curiosity ~~
Bum Bum gives Linn's fingers a final squeeze, then lets go of her.
Bum Bum turns away and walks over to the window, trying to figure out how to talk about this with Linn.
Linn watches Bum Bum closely, trying to tell if he's the hardened junct she had thought him, or the guilt-ridden unfortunate that Snake described the previous day.
Bum Bum finally sighs and turns back in her direction.
Bum Bum: They were... they were all different.
Linn: Tell me about them.
Bum Bum: The first one was Jila. She was part of my mother's circle. They gave her to me when I changed over. They didn't know I'd be a channel, of course; I must have gotten it from my father's side, whoever he was.
Bum Bum: She was experienced. Very experienced. She'd served my mother many times. But she couldn't serve a channel.
Linn: You drained her?
Bum Bum looks up at Linn, wearing an expression halfway between guarded tension and... something else.
Bum Bum: Yes. Stripped her.
Linn nods in acceptance.
Bum Bum: After that I was on my own, my mom threw me out because I'd killed her friend, and none of her circle could serve me. She didn't want a taxpayer in her house either, so... out I went.
Bum Bum: After that I tried to find my own friends.
Bum Bum's chin lifts a little, in remembered defiance.
Linn: Why didn't you disjunct while you had the chance?
Linn's voice is calm and neutral, as is her nager.
Bum Bum rubs his hands carefully together, having nothing else to cling to.
Bum Bum: Well, that's... not an easy question to answer.
Bum Bum: I could plead the 15-years-old-and-thought-I'd-live-forever defense.
Bum Bum: I could plead the 15-years-old-and-thought-I'd-never-live-past-18 defense.
Bum Bum: But the fact of the matter is, that was five years ago and I have no idea any longer what my motivations were.
Linn: I see.
Bum Bum: Maybe I thought I could work it out. Shen, I don't even know that I knew about legal disjunction until more recently.
Linn: And since then?
Bum Bum: Since then?
Linn: The others?
Bum Bum: Ahh....
Bum Bum's tentacles work over his clasped hands.
Bum Bum: Well, in the beginning, they were kids, like myself.
Bum Bum: Thought they could do anything.
Bum Bum: But they were a mistake.
Bum Bum: Some of them had no idea what they were getting into, and they just panicked and were killed.
Bum Bum: Others managed it once - and then realized they were valuable enough to join Tecton camps and become legitimate Donors.
Bum Bum: There were three like that... can you believe it?
Linn: Three?
Bum Bum: I became cynical about the young. I started going for the older Gens, people who claimed they'd served transfer at least once before.
Bum Bum: I tried to build them up by hanging out with them night and day, while in need.
Linn: And did that work any better?
Bum Bum: They never lasted either. I'd manage two, maybe three transfers off them... and then there would be a final time, when I couldn't hold back any longer and had to take my fill, at my best speed.
Bum Bum: They weren't Donors, Linn, they were just people who'd managed to give transfer to some renSime at one point.
Bum Bum: This man, this man last month....
Linn: I haven't even managed that much.
Bum Bum pauses.
Bum Bum: Yes, but Snake says you have the potential. You are Donor material, physically. They were not.
Linn: Did you know that, when you asked them to serve you?
Bum Bum: I'm just a Third, Linn. They were the best I could find from among those who were willing to try. I don't have the discernment that a Farris has, or the training any Tecton channel would have.
Bum Bum: I had no way of learning except from my mistakes.
Bum Bum: And the mistakes of others.
Bum Bum: [that last with definite, if veiled, regret]
Linn: Expensive mistakes.
Bum Bum: Yes.
Linn: And last month?
Bum Bum: Last month.
Bum Bum's expression becomes openly frustrated, with a hint of tears.
Linn: You could have gone to Snake and gotten a transfer.
Linn: Or there are other....unofficial channels.
Bum Bum: I didn't know where you were, I was separated. Remember?
Bum Bum: Separated, in a strange town, no friends, no connections, no knowledge of what's out there.
Bum Bum: I didn't know who I could ask... maybe nobody.
Bum Bum: When the time got too near, I became desperate. I'd been on channel's transfer for months. I needed a Gen.
Linn: You obviously asked at least one person.
Linn: A Gen? Or a kill?
Bum Bum: Begged. Pleaded. I got down on my knees to this man, please, help me.
Bum Bum: A Gen, a kill, either one. Channel's transfer is awful. No channel can tolerate it forever.
Bum Bum: Of course I didn't want him to die.
Linn is less than reassured by the casual equation of Gen transfer and kills as equivalent.
Bum Bum: Afterward I....
Bum Bum: I begged and pleaded for him to not be dead.
Bum Bum: But he was.
Linn: He was, though.
Bum Bum looks down at the floor.
Linn: And you were the instrument of his death.
Bum Bum: I was. [whispered]
Linn: ~~ calm statement of fact ~~
Linn considers.
Linn: The Tecton-trained channels can stop before they actually kill, when something goes wrong. Or so I've been told.
Bum Bum: And so can I, unless I've been shorted too long.
Bum Bum: [still looking down, at his hands]
Linn: You can't.
Bum Bum looks up, his eyes burning.
Bum Bum: I have.
Bum Bum: I've done it.
Linn wonders how to reconcile this claim with the dead bodies Bum Bum has racked up.
Bum Bum: Do you think if I couldn't do it, that any of those people would have lasted more than one time?
Bum Bum: [wildly]
Bum Bum: None of them were Donors, Linn. They were just Gens off the street.
Bum Bum: RenSime-servers.
Bum Bum: Maybe if I could have done without long enough, one of them might have grown enough to really serve me. But... but it just... didn't work out that way.
Bum Bum: ~pain/frustration~
Bum Bum: Don't you see, these were people the Tecton wouldn't have dreamed of allowing into a Donor program. They just couldn't do it. A Tecton channel would never have even tried taking transfer off these people.
Bum Bum: Suicide abort or no.
Linn: But you did.
Linn: Knowing it would kill them.
Linn: Eventually, if not the first time.
Bum Bum: I had to try, Linn. Anything else... anything else... would be suicide.
Bum Bum: Which is worse, between killing and suicide?
Bum Bum: Don't you think I've asked myself that? I just don't have it in me to murder myself.
Linn is wondering more and more whether she's doing just that by agreeing to this scheme.
Bum Bum zlins Linn's doubts and thinks she is doubting him.
Bum Bum turns away toward the window again, rubbing his hands together, the tentacles agitated.
Linn: Bum Bum, even if I do succeed in surviving transfer with you, it might not work for long.
Bum Bum: Why do you say that? [tensely]
Bum Bum: [pain mostly covered in his voice]
Linn: Nick says juncts need more than just selyn--but he doesn't know exactly what, or how to give it.
Linn: I don't think Snake does, either.
Bum Bum: But juncts used to live getting... that... only once a year. In the days of the Householdings.
Bum Bum swings around suddenly to face her again, his hands in a pleading position, but his eyes harder than that.
Linn: Are you planning to go out and kill someone every year?
Bum Bum: That means that even if you couldn't figure it out, that would still be 11 times a year that I wouldn't have to... that nobody would... [falters]
Bum Bum looks haunted.
Linn: I see.
Linn: There's another thing, Bum Bum.
Bum Bum doesn't look too optimistic about the other thing, whatever it is.
Linn: Several months ago, I donated to a channel named Lanyi, at the Bender Cove Sime Center.
Bum Bum has no idea where this is going.
Linn: She agreed with Snake that I have the physical capacity to serve transfer.
Linn: However, she said that neither I nor the Sime was likely to enjoy it much.
Linn is feeling rather inadequate over this Companion business.
Bum Bum: W-why not? [voice dry]
Bum Bum is not liking what he's zlinning.
Linn: I think it has something to do with, well, when I've felt selyn movement, I haven't particularly enjoyed it.
Bum Bum looks like he's just aged about 10 years.
Bum Bum: I... see.
Linn looks closer at Bum Bum.
Linn: Are you feeling all right?
Linn: ~~ support ~~
Bum Bum: No, shen it, of course I'm not feeling all right. [snaps]
Linn calculates to seven decimal places, just for practice.
Bum Bum: How do you think I'd be feeling, after all that?
Bum Bum looks as if he's about ready to cry.
Linn is taken aback with this vehemance.
Bum Bum: I'm going to die, Linn. I'm going to shenned die, don't you get it?
Bum Bum: I can't get transfer anywhere, I can't kill, I can't take channels' transfer forever, I can't do anything.
Bum Bum: And if I try to do anything, I'll get a knife in my side faster than you can believe.
Linn: We're both going to die eventually, Bum Bum. It's just a matter of which of us goes first.
Linn smiles crookedly.
Bum Bum: Stop it! Just stop it.
Bum Bum covers his ears.
Bum Bum: [not that that prevents any sound from getting through or anything]
Linn continues to project ~~ soothing support ~~
Bum Bum: It's like being in a street, and there are people in the houses all up and down it, and they've all got something to throw.
Linn is kind of used to Simes who think they're not going to last the year, after living so long with Snake during her First Year.
Bum Bum: And one of those rocks is the one, the one that'll end you, but you don't know which one it is or how many others will hit you first.
Bum Bum claws his hands down suddenly, face contorted in a fury.
Bum Bum: And the last, the last thing I need is to pour my heart out to you, and then find out you hate transfer.
Bum Bum: Shen!
Bum Bum: Snake will laugh at me when you tell her this story.
Bum Bum: Oh, she planned this, she had to have.
Bum Bum: Get my hopes up... then destroy me.
Bum Bum: She probably hopes I will commit suicide, and save her the blood on her own hands.
Bum Bum stalks forward, circling Linn with a shining hate in his eyes, then goes to the door.
Linn: Bum Bum, whatever plans Snake has for me, they existed long before you started working for her.
Linn: I think she honestly does think I can give you an acceptable transfer.
Bum Bum has stopped momentarily with his hand on the door knob, head down, breathing hard.
Linn: I doubt she'd joke about it, to either of us.
Linn: She doesn't have much of a sense of humor, really.
Linn: She knows exactly how I respond to selyn flow--and she still thinks I can do this for you.
Bum Bum: But you don't want to. [voiceless]
Bum Bum: I don't know why I didn't zlin it before.
Bum Bum: I guess I did, but I was just kidding myself. [bitterly]
Linn: I don't know if I can. There's a difference.
Bum Bum turns his head and looks at her, eyes shining and tragic.
Linn: ~~ sympathy ~~
Bum Bum's look becomes wary, with an undertone of frustration and longing.
Bum Bum edges back against the door.
Bum Bum: Do you have any idea what your field does to me?
Bum Bum: What even the hope of maybe a transfer does to me?
Bum Bum: It's like a torture. [whispered]
Linn: Do you want me to leave?
Bum Bum: I want you to... to decide what you want.
Linn: What I want?
Linn considers.
Bum Bum: My whole future has blossomed, unfolded, been reborn, and then been crushed again in only ten minutes. I can't even describe it. I can barely even endure it.
Linn: I think I want this experiment to succeed.
Linn: For both our sakes.
Linn: You don't have to describe it.
Linn: ~~ been there, done that ~~
Bum Bum: Is that what is is? An experiment?
Bum Bum thinks it is much more than that.
Linn: Although in my case, it took about two months, not ten minutes.
Bum Bum has no idea what Linn is talking about.
Bum Bum: It did?
Linn: Yes. I used to teach in Eastcove, not so long ago.
Linn: I loved my job, and I'd finally reached a position where I thought I could do some good.
Linn: I hit upon the idea of creating a unit for my children to teach them about Sime Centers; that they didn't have to die or kill if they became Sime.
Linn: I went to Bender Cove to look for materials. That's how Snake and I first met.
Bum Bum's eyes narrow.
Linn: But there were those who didn't approve. I ended up half dead in an alley behind Snake's house.
Linn: I couldn't go home, or they would have been more careful the next time.
Linn: So I lost everything--my career, my home, my friends.
Linn: Snake and Nick are all that's left to me.
Linn: And now... maybe you.
Bum Bum stands there looking at Linn.
Bum Bum looks old and tired again, not angry.
Bum Bum also looks young, which he is.
Linn is also looking (and zlinning) a bit haggard.
Linn started at some ten years older than Bum Bum, which puts her at even more of a disadvantage.
Bum Bum: So... does that mean you want to like it?
Linn thinks it over.
Linn: I am a bit curious, I admit, as to what draws Nick and Eliza to it so strongly.
Bum Bum looks at Linn incredulously.
Bum Bum: Isn't it obvious?
Linn: Apparently not.
Linn: Perhaps you have an insight to offer?
Linn's tone is a bit crisp.
Bum Bum: Can't you imagine what it feels like to have somebody else's life in your hands? To supply, to be, all that person is?
Bum Bum: To not have a Donor is to die or kill.
Bum Bum: To be a Donor is to infuse one's own power into a hollow shell, to make a living creature alive for a temporary time.
Bum Bum: Linn, it's like being a god.
Bum Bum: Your love, your well-being, your optimism, your hope, is all a Sime has between himself and attrition for the next month.
Bum Bum: Without that, there would be only despair.
Bum Bum: Your selyn is the power that makes his limbs move and his heart beat. Without it, he would last only days.
Bum Bum: When you donate to the Tecton your selyn disappears into some faceless machine.
Bum Bum: But when you serve, when you give someone transfer, it is your selyn giving that Sime's life.
Linn finds this passionate exposition unexpectedly attractive.
Bum Bum is staring at her with a helpless hunger, his back pressed to the door.
Bum Bum zlins Linn's attraction and his eyes change, becoming fevered with longing for the moment before he closes them.
Bum Bum presses his palms against the wood of the door.
Linn is able, for the first time, to see such hunger on a Sime's face without immediately thinking about the nearest exit and how to get through it.
Bum Bum: [probably just as well, since she'd have to go through Bum Bum to do so]
Linn: [indeed, since Bum Bum would have misinterpreted the action]
Linn takes a few cautious steps closer to Bum Bum, concerned about his agitation.
Bum Bum slits his eyes open again, only half-seeing.
Bum Bum: Ahh... Linn.
Bum Bum: Haven't you seen how Snake depends on Nick? How she is fixated on him? How she would die without him? That is what a Companion is to a Sime.
Bum Bum drinks in the giddy nearness of Linn's field.
Linn reaches out, just a bit hesitantly, to put a hand on Bum Bum's arm.
Bum Bum tenses, then his breath sighs out.
Bum Bum's handling tentacles extend and he grips her hand firmly.
Linn hasn't actually initiated contact with Bum Bum before, although she hasn't been avoiding it when he does.
Linn: I've also seen how Snake goes to great lengths to run away from Nick, on occasion.
Linn: ~~ humor ~~
Bum Bum's other hand reaches for, and finds, Linn's other hand.
Bum Bum: Linn [roughly] that only shows how thoroughly she's trapped.
Linn lets it.
Linn: I don't want to become a trap to be avoided.
Bum Bum pulls Linn into him, pressing against her, his head on her shoulder.
Linn: I'd much rather be a friend.
Bum Bum: Oh, you can be. [whispered]
Bum Bum is afire in the core of Linn's field.
Linn lets herself lean on Bum Bum just a bit.
Bum Bum: Yes, you can. [again, this time to himself]